Sin in a tin .

I have narrowed it down to just three cookery books , the back catalogue in my head and one in the post . I have bought in the few herbs , spices and oddments that the books suggest and I don't have .

ME: I am the model of efficiency ! A role model to you all ! Aren't you jealous of my competence and the clarity of my vision of the year ?

YOU: Are you on something ?

ME: I don't know what you mean !

YOU: Well , for a start what is that lump on your head ?

ME: Nothing .

YOU: Just a minute there's bruising too .

ME: No there's not .

YOU: YES THERE IS ! Someone has lumped you one - probably for being such a know all . YES , somebody has definitely taken a swing at .....

ME: It was a tin , closely followed by a kilner jar - happy now ?

YOU: What ! You know people who routinely sling tins at you and don't mind lobbing a jar to follow ?

ME: Its a cupboard thing .

YOU: A what ?

Its a cupboard thing . New ingredients at the front in a little box , most likely staples behind .Any bulk buying is taken out and put elsewhere .
Anything I forgot I'd got and doubled up on comes out too . This happens several times what with having access to several good markets and having a wholesalers card  .
In the end there is literally no spare space in the kitchen cupboards and things are so stacked and shoved that things leap out at you if you open the cupboard doors too quickly.

YOU: Ah ! Now we are getting to the lump on the head . And what was that you said about competence and clarity of vision .

ME: Ease off or you will be sitting in the pub on your own tonight .

So there are also wicker baskets full of pasta , noodles , couscous and various flours . The cupboard in the dining room doesn't shut properly because

YOU: Dear God ! How much stuff do you have ? Are you expecting the apocalypse or do you just have a compulsive hoarder thing going on ?

ME: No . Neither .It's just keeping a good table and knowing a real bargain when you see it .

YOU: Oh well .

ME: God , I wish I was a catholic at the moment .

YOU: Why !!!

ME: Well , you get to go to confession and they say  you feel better then.

YOU: OK , we don't want all this coming out in the pub . So what do you want to confess about ?

ME: Tinned tomatoes .

YOU:  Pardon . 
NO !   NO !   I heard you alright .  I'm just boggling about your answer .
Let me get this straight if you had been born to a Roman Catholic family you would be in the confessional right now pestering some poor priest about tinned tomatoes ?

ME: Well yes .

YOU: This has got to stop. Right here , right now - you hear me ?
And just for the record how many tins of tomatoes do you currently own ?

ME: Sixteen .

YOU: IS that it ? Are we done ?

ME: Well we could talk about tinned mackerel , chickpeas , bean sprouts ....

YOU: I don't know what to say to you ! Can't you just donate your spares to a food bank and we talk about something else ?

ME: Yes but the guilt and the feeling that I must have knocked back a stupid pill .

Isn't there anybody else out there with illogical spare , a stash or  emergency supplies  ?
Come on make me feel better - there's a tin of tomatoes in it .